Yes, I Miss People I Haven’t Met Yet Too

Dear world,

There are days when I sit and stare up at my bedroom ceiling, waiting for an idea to strike me. I do this often, thinking about stories in vivid details and paint them with rough strokes in my head until I find an avenue to express them. When asked about these grand ideas? I can never seem to spit them out which makes me feel trapped inside my own brain...please don’t say I’m the only one who feels like that. This made me think about loneliness. We’ve all been there, when you feel misunderstood by people you know, or those you don’t. When you sit on a couch at a loud party and feel like you would rather slip into another dimension. Even when others speak to you and you can’t quite manage to continue the conversation because you feel so disconnected from yourself and others in that moment.

I was once at a birthday party. A friend named Lilith (that’s a pseudonym) came up to me and asked me about one of my activities, debating. “So you really like to debate hey?“ she said. 

“Uh yeah I think so“ I managed to whisper. “oh and I like your new hair style by the way, you look great.“ 

“Oh yeah, thanks so much, I like your...shoes?“ I gushed back. This continued for about 15 minutes until I think she became weary and went to find somebody else slightly more interesting to speak to and throughout the whole debacle I kept yelling at myself, “come on Juhi, think of something, anything to make her stay“ mixed with thoughts like “but I don’t even like debating that much, does she even know that?“ 

The bottom line is, I created my own loneliness. The days I stare at my bedroom ceiling are the days where I feel most misunderstood. I think about what others could be doing during that time, and think about the person I want to be and how different we currently are. I think sometimes in order to navigate these really big feelings we need to acknowledge that loneliness has a best friend attached to its hip known as the feeling of unworthiness. I created the idea that I was misunderstood, that people could not connect with me, that I would be alone because of my personal struggle to communicate how I felt in that moment. Loneliness is a myth created to distance ourselves from connecting with people because we feel as if we are unworthy to have a meaningful connection with somebody.

On the other hand, I think there is beauty in not being understood, and feelings of loneliness create introspective moments of solitude, such as my ideation in my room at night. Sometimes separating ourselves explicitly from others helps us grapple with feelings of loneliness in ways that we might need. When I feel lonely, I try and go to bed as early as possible, it feels destabilising as if somebody is pushing you from side to side and spinning you around. You feel confused, and wonder why you feel this lonely. Dealing with difficult feelings are an indication that you can survive them and loneliness is no exception. 

From 

Juhi